If you glance through the names of various abstinence campaigns, one word appears again and again: wait. Whether they are asked to sign a pledge, wear a ring, or attend a ball, teenagers are repeatedly reminded that if they wish to glorify God with their bodies, they must wait until marriage for sex.
Studies have shown that this message has been successful to a certain extent. Teenagers who participate in these programs generally wait about eighteen months longer than their peers before engaging in sexual activity. But is this enough?
Christian young adults seem to be getting the message that waiting is important, but for many of them the “until marriage” part of the equation is forgotten. They wait until they are more mature. They wait until they are in a committed relationship. They wait until they are in love. But they don’t necessarily wait until marriage. Why is that?
Many argue that asking them to wait until marriage is unrealistic, particularly in a society where late marriage is the norm. They claim that the sex drive is far too strong and that young adults simply cannot wait very long before engaging in sexual activity. But is the failure of many Christian singles to wait until marriage simply a result of a strong sex drive? Or is there something inherently problematic about this whole discussion of “waiting”?
Encouraging young adults to wait until marriage is a good impulse, but if we frame the conversation primarily in terms of waiting, we risk misrepresenting important truths not only about the role that sex should play in our lives as Christians but also about the character of God.
Unfortunately, with their emphasis on waiting many abstinence campaigns overemphasize sex, turning it into a kind of “Holy Grail” that we must discover in order to live fulfilled lives. While abstinence campaigns may be designed to help combat our sex-obsessed society, their focus on sex and marriage as the ultimate goal that everyone is waiting for can simply reaffirm this obsession. Is it any wonder, then, that many young adults decide that they cannot wait?
Sex and marriage are wonderful blessings given by God, but neither should be our main focus here on earth. If we frame the discussion of Christian sexuality in terms of “waiting,” we may end up placing too much attention on what we are waiting for rather than how we should be living our lives whether or not that desired goal ever arrives.
This tendency to overemphasize sex, however, is not the only problem, for the emphasis on waiting may also promote a dangerous view of God. The assumption seems to be that God has promised a spouse to all Christians who desire one, but is this assumption really true? What about individuals who live faithful lives yet never receive that supposedly promised spouse? Are they flawed Christians? Or is God not powerful enough or loving enough to grant them what they desire? Surely our view of the goodness of God should not depend upon whether or not we marry.
Perhaps, then, we need to rethink how we frame this discussion of purity. And we might begin by reminding ourselves, firstly, that our focus needs to be on serving God whether we are single or married and, secondly, that if we are single, we are not in a state of waiting for a better, more “blessed” state of existence where we can serve God more fully. Rather than focusing on abstinence with all of the negative connotations of just holding on until God rescues us from our horrible plight of singleness, perhaps we should start thinking in terms of celibacy: a state in which we choose to serve God first and foremost.
Celibacy, of course, has its own problematic connotations as we inevitably think of nuns and monks who have cloistered themselves and made an irrevocable vow. But what if we began to redefine it so that we embrace its call to serve God for the time that He desires us to be single but also allow for His perfect will if He chooses to call us to marriage?
What is powerful about this conception of celibacy is that it places our focus where it should be—on God rather than on our human desires. If we are living celibate lives, we are focusing not on waiting for God to rescue us from this state but rather on how we can serve Him right now.
But what about the power of the sex drive? Many would say that celibacy is simply not realistic. No one can refrain from sex without focusing on the hope that someday they will be married. The truth is that celibacy is not easy. The desires for sex, love, and companionship are strong. But, as many married couples will attest, even marriage does not provide the ultimate fulfillment. As humans here on earth, we will never reach that state of ultimate fulfillment because there will always be something missing. It is this missing piece in our lives that is designed to draw us to God and the perfect fulfillment that we will one day receive with Him.
Portraying sex and marriage as the perfect state that we are all waiting for here on earth is dangerous, for it denies the truth that ultimate fulfillment lies only in God. Thinking about Christian singleness in terms of celibacy reminds us of this fact. As celibate Christian singles, we are compelled to turn to God repeatedly not only as we struggle with our desires but also as we commit to trusting God in the midst of these struggles. But the ultimate truth is that God is faithful, and He will not only help us to grow closer to Him in these struggles but also use us in mighty ways.
===============
Christine A. Colón is Associate Professor of English at Wheaton College. Christine is also Co-Author of Singled Out: Why Celibacy Must be Reinvented in Today’s Church
19 thoughts on “Reframing the Discussion: Shifting from Abstinence to Celibacy”
Amen, amen and AMEN! Love this!!!
Good holistic thinking on the topic here. The encouragement to wait sends a message that there is a greater difference between the two states than there actually is. You’re right to point out that it sets marriage up as some sort of spiritual higher ground. It does the same thing physically. Students need to know that marriage is not the solution to nor end of your sexual frustrations, angst, urges, etc., and need for discipline. Those who don’t get themselves under control before won’t be any better at controlling themselves after marriage, and that’s a great way to ruin a relationship and do a lot of damage to the person you love. It’s less like fasting before the all-you-can-eat- buffet than it is like boot camp before the war: a way of forming the discipline we will need to be successful later.
Excellent article! It’s wonderful to hear more “mature” (intelligent) voices in the conversation about singleness, as opposed to the books, articles, etc. written to teens and college students. As a woman in my early 30s, I just can’t relate to those anymore. So, thank you!
I was once told that waiting for the Lord is not passive, it’s active. I like that. Although my hope is to one day get married and have children, there are things that God wants me to do now in my singleness! Your post was one of confirmation.
Now, off to buy your book on Amazon!
As a former Christian college student and life-long Protestant churchgoer, I can never remember celibacy being seen an honorable status in life. We should start there with giving more dignity to celibate people. Churchgoers (and maybe some pastors) often think something is wrong with a single person.
Another thing that might help is honest talk about sex and marriage. I’m getting married myself in a couple months, and I can count the times on one hand a Christian leader told me how difficult, and maybe uncomfortable having sex for the first time might be (that I needed some instruction to do it right). I also can not remember anyone honestly describing how hard marriage can be at times and how marriage is not just a step away from heavenly bliss.
When you combine the temptations of the outside world with how a lot of Christians glorify sex and marriage it makes it hard to wait. Christians can’t get rid of all the world’s temptations for people, but they can help by being honest in saying sex and marriage is not having one foot inside heaven’s gates.
Some great thoughts MJ! Thanks!
Thanks for a thought provoking post. It’s becoming increasingly difficult to even have conversations with young people about sexual activity. Your reframing of celibacy as a positive state stands in marked contrast to abstinence messages which tend to have a negative connotation. It’s not about what a single person can’t do; but rather what they can do as a celibate person.
I think you really hit the nail on the head as far as some of the legitimate problems the abstinence culture creates. I think waiting for what is the important question. Abstinence and celibacy are of course much easier when you believe that God is going to get around to providing you someone to love. If you get older and lose faith in that concept, not because God isn’t able but because God doesn’t do everything he is capable of, you get different results. What do you do when you start to accept the possibility that you might never get married? What sort of good thing could you tell yourself?
I’ve heard many speakers talk about how sex damages your future relationships, but the means that it does that by are always left questionable and vague. I’m legitimately curious, as someone who is dating. For me personally finding out about someone’s sexual past isn’t an issue so long as they don’t have an STD. But even if I was to meet someone who would be upset about someone with a past, I had a past the moment I became divorced, so there’s no real escaping that is there? I contend that the only type of woman who would be attracted to me would be accepting of whatever I had been through, and therefor at the moment there is little to pay for in the terms of future relationships.
Anyway great food for thought.
Max,
Thanks for your comments here! You are right… celibacy is one thing when you’re considering it for a season… but when it begins to look like it could be for a lifetime (or the rest of your life), that’s a whole other situation.
A good friend of mine who’s nearing 40 and challenged by this same question recently offered this post: http://faithoncampus.com/true-love-is-tired-of-waiting/. I encourage you to check it out.
In terms of how a sexual relationship can damage future relationships, there’s a lot that can be said. In fact, there strong scientific evidence that serves to support the stance that many Christian speakers take, that sex before marriage (or with multiple partners) presents a number of challenges to the individuals involved. These challenges are tied to how God has created us (as relational beings) — and designed sex (as a powerful bonding agent) — and when we engage in sex (and bond in some deep and powerful ways — even in something as “harmless” as a one night stand) the bonding that takes place will be powerful… and when it is “pulled a part” it’s never easy or clean… and always leaves pieces of one half forever attached to the other. Does that make sense? And I would dare say that this is one of the reasons the break-up of your marriage continues to be such a source of pain in your life (among other things).
Max, I know it probably seems hard to comprehend from where you stand, but living a celibate life with God (whether it’s until you get married… or for the rest of your life) can be very meaningful and rewarding (and yes, challenging in a number of ways).
Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
As a 51 year old Christian and lifetime celibate, I can tell you that one of the main problems found in the church (esp Baptist) is the family worship society. The perspective as described by Apostle Paul in 1 Cor 7 has been thrown out the door. I’m sure all of you are familiar with “family life centers.” Have you ever heard of a “celibate life center?” You’ve heard of “focus on the family.” Have you ever heard of “focus on the celibate?” As long as churches continue to ride this bandwagon and appease the masses, there will never be an appropriate balance between earthly concerns and Godly concerns.
Much depends on how one defines family. It’s not just the narrow definition of nuclear mom, dad, kids. It also includes other relatives and friends, and your church as well. We’re all part of a family of some sort. We don’t walk completely alone. That is one reason why I love being Eastern Orthodox because it’s very inclusive in that sense…and the emphasis on marriage is not on sex the way it is overemphasize in both worldly and some Protestant Christian communities. In fact, in our tradition, chastity is expected by all regardless of marital status, and there are times when celibacy/abstinence is expected even within marriage. Orthodox Christians who are married are expected to refrain from physical intimacy on fasting days (Wednesday and Friday) as well as throughout certain times when there is a longer fast such as Great Lent and Nativity. Why? To devote oneself to fasting and prayer as it says in 1 Corinthians 7. There are cases of some pious married couples even remain permanently celibate after their childbearing years are done, this by mutual consent. It’s not for everyone, but for some it it right for them because they have placed the Godly concerns on a higher level and are at a spiritually mature enough level to do that without having problems.
No, celibacy isn’t easy, but it is possible. I know because I’ve been celibate many many years now after a marriage and a few years of activity as a divorced person. The person has to make the choice and stick to the committment. The same one would do when it comes to diet and exercise.
Comments are closed.