I was in college when the “True Love Waits” campaign hit its stride in the mid 90’s.  I remember taking the youth from the church where I volunteered to the  Georgia Dome in Atlanta as we all signed commitment cards that were literally stacked from the floor to the ceiling (I have no earthly idea what that was trying to illustrate).  Not long after that experience, I was a counselor at a (Insert Big Name Ministry) camp and I literally remember hearing a speaker say that one of the reasons that we were to wait to have sex, is that God would bless us with “60 YEARS OF INCREDIBLE SEX!” (if it seems that I’m yelling, it’s because the speaker yelled this, several times at the giggling, awkward, uncomfortable, and amused group of high school girls.)  The bait was 60 YEARS OF INCREDIBLE SEX! and we were told that if we wanted that, then we couldn’t have sex until we were married.

But they left out one REALLY important detail.  While one is waiting for True Love, there is a phase of life called “Singleness.”  And the Christian sex-perts rarely know what to do with Singleness, especially if Singleness drags on from teenage-hood, to college-years, to being a 20-something, and (God forbid) someone in their 30’s who is still waiting for True Love.

Well, True Love is tired of waiting.  And so many people, but not quite all, don’t wait for True Love.  (Apparently they didn’t get the memo about 60 YEARS OF INCREDIBLE SEX!)

I work with college students who often want to talk with me about something that is bothering them.  And it is not uncommon for that “something” to be related to a relationship, their desire for a relationship, or their recovery from a broken relationship.  It’s just where they (and we as humanity) live most of our lives.

The standard of abstinence is held up as the Christian way to deal with our sexuality, but we rarely talk about what waiting for True Love actually looks like.  Christine Colόn’s article from last year’s blogathon (http://faithoncampus.com/reframing-the-discussion-shifting-from-abstinence-to-celibacy/) articulately points out the importance of not thinking about “abstinence” as much as thinking about the intentional decision for “celibacy” (even if it is a temporary celibacy, to be ended in marriage).  She wants to help people who are unmarried think about their single status as an opportunity to serve God with our lives now, not just after one is married.  Her article is Fan-Tas-Tic!  Go read it (but finish mine first!).

Despite the important reframing that Christine does for us, the fact remains that living a life of sexual purity is incredibly difficult for a person who is choosing to embrace celibacy (albeit a temporary celibacy—God, PLEASE, just a temporary one!).  It is difficult for one reason because we live in a couple-y world and the temptation to just find someone, anyone, even if he isn’t True Love, is incredibly enticing.

This never became as real to me as it did the night that I went out to dinner with my twin sister and her new boyfriend (now husband), two high school friends and their husbands.  At the end of the meal, when the server asked about how the check should be divided, I mustered all of the enthusiasm that was possible and said, “Those two, those two, those two and ME!”  To which the server replied, “Aw…bless your heart.”  Totally uncontrollably, I sucked in my breath so loudly that the people at the table next to me all turned around to see what had happened.  Bless MY heart.  You’re gonna need to be blessed, lady!  RUDE!  I covered my tears with a smart-mouthed insult for my friends to hear, as I tried not to let the tears slip out with my pride.  Despite being surrounded by the people who I loved, I had never felt so single in my life.  And it made every single male attractive, even if he wasn’t named True Love.

The problem with Single Male (aka, someone to make me “normal”) is that I’m a Christian.  Oh, okay, that’s not really a problem.  I’m really quite happy that I’m a Christian.  My relationship with Christ brings me unspeakable joy, peace, and yes, even quite a bit of happiness and it frames the way that I live my life.  But it hasn’t brought me a husband, so far.  And so…the problem remains.  The problem of singleness and sexual purity.

Single people must figure out how to live a life of sexual purity, despite being a person (just like everybody else) with sexual, companionship and intimacy urges.  Years ago, I read in E. Stanley Jones’ devotion book Mastery that the sex urge, when sanctified is the “creative” urge.  He spoke of it being used for positive creation of God’s activity.  I like that idea…it is redemptive to think about the “sex urge” being used by God to create new life (even if not literally).  Single people are certainly singled out as being different (read: abnormal, strange, weird).  And thus, they seem to somehow be missing out on the opportunity to achieve that which seems to be the highest goal of the Christian…no, not holy living, or a fruit-bearing life, or maturity…but finding a Christian Spouse (aka True Love).

Singleness hasn’t been my plan.  At all.  And it certainly didn’t even enter my mind as a possibility…especially because I listened to all of those well-meaning speakers, youth pastors and mentors who spoke of marriage as a “when” and not an “if.”  But, thus far it is my reality.  And while 60 YEARS OF INCREDIBLE SEX sounds wonderful, I as a single person continue to choose celibacy (albeit not without prayers that it will end in marriage).  I actually believe that what Christine Colόn and E. Stanley Jones inferred about it being holy and good to live a life where even the most intimate desires are channeled into the INCREDIBLE life-giving relationship with God.  And thankfully, I don’t have to wait for that.

[ RETURN TO THE SEX & THE SOUL HOMEPAGE ]