I’ve seen a movement with my young adult friends living in intense relationships (more than just casual dating) to set up boundaries. When a girlfriend of mine explained that she and her serious boyfriend sat down and set very specific boundaries for the physical side of their relationship, part of me at first thought this was old-fashioned. I walked away a bit stunned by that coffee conversation as the idea of setting boundaries never really occurred to me while in my dating and intense relationships.
In a world where parents shy away from setting limits on their kids and rules are made to be broken––even encouraged as a means to show individualism, I’m wondering if this generation of Millennials that desire to please God even in their relationships would take to such a concept as setting physical boundaries. I’m wondering if the way to go about encouraging godly relationships is to steer the focus on the conversation to practical ways of keeping the relationship pure. Instead of stopping the message at “don’t have sex,” what if we extended the thought process and brainstormed ways they can take responsibility of a pure relationship? Thus making these brainstorms applicable and actionable in their own lives. This builds in a level of accountability into the mix when concrete lines are drawn. And, though their friends might scorn or laugh at the decision to create boundaries (that might seem old fashion), respect comes into play when people see how the boundaries are actually met and the relationship flourishes.
My friend continued to fascinate me with the rules and boundaries that she and her boyfriend set when she also revealed that they held regular accountability sessions with a close married couple in whom they both admired and trusted. I’m sure the faces of this sweet couple popped up in their head when temptations arose to get hot and heavy while on a date –– neither wanting to have to report back about slip ups. My friend mentioned the value of this couple especially when she felt comfortable to be real and honest about her sexual temptations with someone who wouldn’t judge––only encourage.
Here are a few of the physical boundaries my girlfriend set with her serious boyfriend. I think they got pretty creative as these boundaries go way beyond things like refraining from alone time together.
- Only go on dates as with a group. (At the beginning of the relationship)
- Be sure to have others in the room if hanging out at someone’s house. (Especially when the relationship intensified)
- As the relationship progressed, they stopped kissing all together because the temptation was too great to go further.
- Monthly accountability sessions. (This happened regularly when the couple decided that engagement and marriage was inevitable)
By encouraging students to take a hard look at their relationships and how much they desire to please God, we show students tangible ways to obey Him in order to please Him as Jesus says in John 15:10. I believe students respect ideas that lead them to living out their faith in concrete, applicable ways. Boundaries that keep them in obedience with Jesus helps relationships flourish. On the flip side, by bringing up physical boundaries with their boyfriend or girlfriend, they will see if the relationship is legit. If someone in the relationship balks at the idea of boundaries, this is a big red flag––one best to be discovered in the early stages!
I’d love to get your thoughts, as a ministry leader, if this topic of boundaries had stuck with your crowd. How do the students react to the idea? Do those who set up limits on the relationships stick to the boundaries?
[ BACK TO THE SEX & THE SOUL HOMEPAGE ]
9 thoughts on “Are Boundaries Realistic?”
Sarah,
You are tackling an important topic, which I hope leads to some great conversation. Establishing appropriate physical boundaries can be an valuable asset to a relationship, providing a framework for a discipline. I know that many of our students need this type of structure in order to maintain a standard of purity in their relationships. There is a significant benefit to honestly and intentionally discuss where both people see the lines.
I see two areas where this topic can get messy. The first is when a person or group establishes and advocates “appropriate boundaries” for everyone else, essentially deciding what is and what isn’t acceptable in relationships. (I know this isn’t what you are advocating.) Is kissing too far? Can a couple sit on the same couch and watch a movie alone, with only one light on, and no feet on the floor? I think that each couple that is interested in establishing boundaries need to decide together what is appropriate and necessary for them and their relational purity. As I mentioned prior, this has to be done through honest conversations, where both sides fully articulate their thoughts. I realize that this is basically a question of who defines God’s standard of purity. I can’t be the one to do that for you. As the one who stands accountable for your actions, that is your responsibility.
The second challenge can be if these boundaries become strictly legalistic. Again, there is a need for discipline lives. However, in our culture that often seeks the easy answer, the give me the list of what to do and what not to do, this could be a very real temptation. You hit on the heart of the matter when you talked about wanting to honor God, as well as the person you are dating. That must remain the focus, otherwise it is merely a Pharisaical checklist.
Such good points, Robby. I am glad that you brought them up for leaders to consider as they are so very valid! I like how you brought up both sides of the coin. Thanks for continuing the convo!
From my perspective, the convo is the whole reason to do this kind of thing. Let’s keep ’em going.
Totally respect your concerns as well, Robby, but I think what’s so important to note about Sarah’s friend as that they don’t appear to be following someone’s legalistic rule book NOR are they making these decisions – just the two of them. There’s a mentor couple involved. And I would hold that just the presence of that mentor couple is worth as much as all the boundaries. I wish I had involved our mentor couple MORE in setting our “personal” boundaries when I was courting my wife. Love this discussion!
“If someone in the relationship balks at the idea of boundaries, this is a
big red flag––one best to be discovered in the early stages!” – HERE HERE! Thanks, Sarah.
Stopped kissing altogether? That’s quite a boundary! I’m afraid there could be border disputes! ; )
Ha! To funny! Yes, I was taken aback by this boundary as well. But it goes back to the comment below made by Robby when he talked about boundaries that are appropriate to that particular couple.
I have a question for you! I’m a male and i recently started a new relationship with a girl a little over 3 days ago, but i have been i guess seeing her for a month now. But I told her last night what my physical boundaries are, and well we disagree. My boundaries are I wouldn’t do anything that I wouldn’t do with someone’s else spouse if I was married. Which basically means that I am okay with hugging right now, and mabye holding hands like after we’ve been engaged for a long time, just as a outward sign, but thats all. She thinks that you should be able to kiss, hold hands, and hug. Any tips?
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