Do we have to be friends?

It reminds me of when I was about 7 and my older sister was about 9. I wanted to be anywhere she was, with the “big” kids. And she, unfortunately, wanted nothing to do with me—I was cramping her style, a first-rate pest. We could not be friends.

Many years later, this picture of our childhood makes me think twice about the hesitation I have toward becoming friends with my students. Do we have to? The majority are more than 2 years my junior. And while I wouldn’t call them pests, by any means, it’s not often natural for me to feel as though we can truly be friends.

The dictionary now contains the following definition for “friend”:
friend (v.) in the Facebook sense, attested from 2005, from the noun, but friend has been used as a verb in English since late 14c.

The purist in me says, “No! We can’t let the word be overtaken by social media.” And then I kick off those stodgy shoes and say, “Cool—what a way to see words morph.” Yet when I think of the word in relation to those I actually call friends, my own definition is adamantly tied to an easy, and typically equal, exchange of ideas, interests, and ideals. Those I call friend are folks I know I can tell all my troubles to, trusting that my confidence won’t be betrayed, that the stuff I let pour out (unfiltered) won’t come back to haunt me as I dialogue with students in my office Monday afternoon. And when I think about making new friends…well, I typically don’t unless I’ve just moved someplace. Essentially, I don’t look at my students each year and think, “Ah, more people to call friend!” unless it’s the Facebook version…

But it’s “diet friendship” if you will, friendship without the real cane sugar. And while I’m fine with it happening online, I do hesitate doing it in person. So I’m sorta stuck. I’m a 9-year-old and my students are 7. I just don’t see how it’s going to work…

Well, I actually do see the how because it is happening with a few. And that is, perhaps, the source of my frustration—the few. Something in my ministry mind keeps saying that I should be friends (my definition) with all my students. I should allow all of them to let stuff pour out and I should reciprocate, unafraid. I’m an all-or-nothing woman and knowing that I can’t be “all” with everyone, I shrink back into a space of wondering if I can be all with anyone…and if I should…if it’s safe.

And that, dear campus ministry travelers, is probably the core issue. Safety. My students want it and I’m figuring out that I do, too. It’s one of those innate desires. And for better or for worse, we can’t experience it with everyone. So we prayerfully choose, trusting God to lead the way and trusting that all we do (via His guidance) is enough. Does that mean I’ll become close friends with all my students? No. It’s unrealistic to expect and it’s actually not wise. But if it happens with a few, I’ll take it.

[ BACK-TO-SCHOOL BLOGATHON HOMEPAGE ]

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Michaela is a campus minister in Tennessee. She struggles to surrender fully to the will of God and to the reality that friendship isn’t necessarily as scary as she thinks. She loves to write and you can find more of her infrequent musings at chaplainmlj.blogspot.com