I think there’s a fundamental reason why we have seen our student culture shift from (primarily) pursuing authentic, long-term relationships… to settling for casual sexual encounters within the hookup culture…
In a word… fear.
It’s a fear of pain.
A fear of loss.
A fear of investing in something… only to see it fall apart.
Or walk away.
Or choose to be with someone else.
And truthfully… they’ve got every reason to have this fear.
Statistically speaking, more than half of our students are coming from homes where they’ve seen and experienced the pain of a broken marriage.
And many students have probably experienced the personal pain and sense of rejection that the breakup of a young relationship can inflict.
And when you add to this fear, the challenges (and perceived challenges) that come in “slowly” getting to know someone in a culture of “instant”…
AND the overwhelming obsession that our culture has with sex (and has thereby conditioned us to believe is the pinnacle of our existence)…
Well, then our current relational paradigm begins to make a little more sense.
It’s all too risky!
So our students opt for something that’s “safe” and easy.
A casual hookup.
Personal pleasure.
Instant gratification.
A moment of feeling “loved and accepted.”
No strings.
No pressure.
No concern for “what now?” or “What’s next?”
And what they don’t know (and we’ve yet to really observably discern) is what the long-term effects will be of choosing to participate in this “low risk” hookup culture.
I can’t imagine a scenario where this practice leads to a more fulfilling, more stable, more secure, more loving future…
Only one filled with more pain, more brokenness, more loss… and a pattern for finding their way back into this same kind of relational practice that their engaged in now.
I found this song by Aqualung, entitled Left Behind, that seems to help describe what I’m talking about.
Have a listen and share any thoughts you have in the comment section below.
How can we help our students to get beyond this painful present reality?
How can we help them to “trust the process” of slowly growing a relationship?
How can we convince them that our culture has made a god of sex… and that God has something much bigger in mind?
4 thoughts on “Why Relationships Are Considered Too Risky, But the Hookup Culture “Safe” and Easy”
Thanks, Guy, for this (as usual) thoughtful piece. In addition to the fear, I think the hookup culture is supported by the moral community that students form in college. That community is based on maximal individual freedom, which is, itself a kind of utilitarian ethic. Students are “supposed to” party and have fun while in college – and this includes the kind of sexual freedom associated with the college years before “settling down.” I think we’re not paying sufficient attention to how college students form moral communities, because we do not recognize the moral values at work. We use terms like “peer pressure” or social science and psycho-therapeutic terms, instead. At least we do this where I work.
That’s a great observation Steve! Thanks for helping us to think with more intention about the formation of moral communities.
Great thoughts, Guy. I’m starting a relationship series tonight and this hits right where I’m looking to go.
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